Oh Anxiety, why won't you leave me?? I don't want your drugs!

My entire life I have dealt with anxiety.  I was constantly put in situations that scared me to half to death.  I was always able to manage and self-sooth until my trip to Africa.  It was this trip that I became the victim of the dreaded drug, Lariam.  Lariam was given to me to ward off malaria while I was in the Ivory Coast.  When I returned to the states, I was never the same.  I lived in what felt like a dark tunnel.  It was horrible.  My dorm mom would stay up through the night with me praying for me to be freed from whatever was oppressing me.  I fasted, I prayed, I fasted, I prayed but nothing would remove me from this prison.  Finally, years after the trip, I was watching one of the news channels and they were talking about Lariam and what it has done to people.  Soldiers were committing suicide, others had become murderers and people like me, were drowning in depression and anxiety.  One mom testified of her experience and I finally knew what was wrong with me!  I went to my family doctor for another reason and she detected right away that I had problems.  She had me take a written test.  She returned with a grade stating I had one of the worst cases of anxiety and depression that she had seen in a long time.  She agreed that it was the Lariam.  At that time I didn't believe in medication but I was so desperate that I agreed.  I started taking Celexa that day and after two weeks I felt like the world had been lifted from my shoulders.  It was that feeling that a near-sighted person feels when they first get glasses!  I could see the leaves on the trees, the sun was brighter and I could breath!  It felt so good to be alive again!  But as time went on anxiety would creep up occasionally but never to level it had reached before medication.  I stuck with Celexa for years going off and back on but managed to control my anxiety levels.  Years later I gave birth to Ryan.  I never took meds during my pregnancies and felt pretty good, mentally that is!  When Ryan came along, I went into terrible post-partum depression and the anxiety returned.  I only slept a few hours here and there to the point I could not sleep at all.  I literally had insomnia for almost a year straight.  It was horrible!  I didn't want to take anything because I was nursing but I finally gave in and allowed my doctor to give me a small dosage of zoloft which helped a little.  I still couldn't sleep.  When Ryan was weened, I started seeing a counsellor thinking that was the answer.  She helped me deal with the pain of my past as I talked through issues that weighed me down and my goodness did the counselling help!  I was and still am so happy I took that route!  The problem was that I was told I needed medication to help with the anxiety especially during the times of therapy and emotional healing.  Desperate to get help I found a psychiatrist and started down a road to what I thought was healing.  I was prescribed Celexa again but it wasn't right this time.  Then Prozac that just about destroyed my marriage.  Then finally I was put on Effexor XR along with Ambien and Klonopin for sleep.  I started sleeping, those meds I don't regret.  Every time I would return to the Dr. my Effexor prescription dosage got higher until I was on 300mgs.  I felt soooo much better!  So much better in fact that I didn't care about the 50lbs I gained in just a few short months!  I really did feel good.  It was so nice to feel that way! 
After a year or so on the Effexor XR I felt God calling me to remove the chemicals from my body.  I felt so good that I just knew I could do it, a piece of cake!  Ha!  Was I in for a surprise!  I got sick, I mean really really sick!  So I decided to stay on and go down slowly.  After Christmas I began to lesson the dosage weekly.  I really did OK supplementing with herbs.  I made it to 75mgs with no major side effects all with the help of prayer and herbs.  The last 75mgs were a different story.  I stopped all meds after the last week of taking 75mgs of Effexor.  My head began to spin like I had just gotten off one of the spinning rides at the fair.  My body went into severe pain and shaking.  I could barely walk and had diahreah.  I ended up in the ER only to find that there is nothing wrong with me. 
I returned home and realized that it just might be withdrawals!  I took 75mgs of Effexor that night and the next day felt better.  I couldn't believe what was happening to me!  I was addicted to a drug!  That was NEVER supposed to happen to me because my mother died from using drugs.  I have been on the 75mgs now for awhile and am so afraid to finish completely.  I must remove this drug from my body at all costs.  However, even at 75mgs I'm feeling the anxiety again.  I live in fight or flight mode.  I'm taking all kinds of herbal medication and it helps.  The next step before stopping completely is to change my diet and begin weight and cardio training.  I have to cut out ALL processed food, red meat, and caffeine from my diet.  This is a hard one from someone who had turned to food her whole life for comfort.  We are going tonight to renew our gym membership.  It will be nice to swim with the kids again, play ball on the basketball courts, walk the track, and put the kids in the playroom for my workout/me time.
I truly fear this next step of removing the meds because, even now, I'm irritable, unstable, and miserable.
I pray God gives me the wisdom to find the right tools needed to win this battle.
I know God has allowed another crazy circumstance in my life so that I'll have yet another thing to relate to others.  I never understood the power of withdrawals to cause one to return to drugs.  With my slight glimpse into drug addiction (not including living with an addict) I can somewhat understand why others return to their addictions when they truly want free. 
To all those with chemical addictions, you have my heart.
God please free those who truly desire the right path.
Amen...