Going through the trials of life can certainly teach you what you are made of! I am so capable of being one big, huge, babyfied pity party! Poor me! I'm sick, the kids are crazy, the neighbors are..., the families of my co-op won't cut me a break, blah blah blah! We all do it so I'm not gonna be afraid to be the first to admit it! It's time for less of me, more of Him!
I'm constantly searching for the next big thing! I'm gonna go for my Master's degree! Yay! The girl who barely made it through high school is going to get her Master's in Education! That'll sure impress some folks. I'll show them who did not turn out to be a loser!! Do you ever think like that? I do it all the time. Why? CAUSE IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!!!
While searching for the best route to this coveted degree I hear HIM speaking to me, again. I ignore Him, again. He speaks, I ignore. He speaks, I ignore.
My search continue's for the best online university, that will accept my unaccredited degree, when I finally decide to listen.
I hear Him inform me that I'm already on the road to receiving my "Master's" Degree! The Master is educating me daily through these trials and self-pity inducing situations. A degree from the Master is by far more valuable than any Master's Degree I could ever purchase and study for!
He has called me to be a dedicated student of His Word. Not just daily devotionals but genuinely digging and searching for wisdom, knowledge, and answers to His truth! Until I can become a student of His Word and earn a "degree" from THE Master, I have no time nor business searching out ways to impress others or educating myself in efforts to earn more of the almighty dollar!
His wisdom is awesome and amazing and will take you places no college could ever dream of!
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Thankful for my beating heart
The TV blares, my husband talks, the dog incessantly tries to jump on my lap where the computer already resides and my Leah won't let me out of her sight while she continues to battle out her ailment. The chaos once again tries to attack my nervous system and my heart is racing out of control. The anxiety is something I'm trying to learn to deal with as it is the reason I was taking 300mgs of Effexor XR and another nerve calming pill. I almost miss those 300mgs as I sit here as irritable as the ole Grouch himself and my heart feels like a galloping herd of horses. I shall not succumb to what Satan tells me is my only hope. Jesus has an answer to my suffering and I will wait for Him.
I began a new program today called, "The Road Back." The Road Back uses natural vitamins and herbs, along with journaling, to help those with high anxiety and depression and those stuck on anti-psychosis and nerve pills find their way to freedom. Aside from that program, prayer and Biblical meditation along with diet and exercise are extremely important. Not one part of the body works alone so the body must be treated as a whole. I took the body calm about a half an hour ago and noticed the pace of my heart beginning to slow. I did eat some chocolate ice cream today only to suffer from the side-effect of extreme anxiety and heart palpitations.
Otherwise, my life is going smoothly. At least my heart IS beating! I would be in trouble if the alternative were true!
God has given me clear instructions as to the running of HomeScholars. I thought for a while the program should come to a close. I am learning how important is to wait for a yes or a no in all situations. If we aren't hearing anything clearly from Him we must continue on the path He has called us. Of course if you are on a path not coinciding with the will of our Saviour then that road must come to an abrupt halt.
I'm thankful for my crazy, beautiful children and my amazingly patient and loving husband. I have some of the best friends I could ever imagine. I mean I have true, unconditional friendships that only Jesus himself could provide. I am amazed at that because I can be so moody, grouchy, selfish and rude! I love these ladies and wish all people could have the bond each of us share.
I look out and see the sky is peach with grayish blue clouds floating along. I find as I am writing I am becoming peaceful and the "stuff" going on around me isn't so overwhelming. The dog is STILL trying to get on my lap and I suddenly don't feel like catapulting him across the room!
My dear friend, who is staying with us, is yet again fixing supper. I pray for her as she strives to get her life and the lives of her children on the road to success. I pray they seek God first.
You see, my life is hard dealing with the anxiety issues. I've left my past behind, finally, and my present is at peace. Looking only at our own lives sometimes can be a stumbling block. Looking at the lives of those who diseases are out of control, loved ones have past, or their marriage falls apart allows me to be thankful for the blessings in this world of my own.
He is truth and truth is love. Trust in the truth and in the truth we find love. Peace abides in truth, He is the truth. Give in to truth and we shall have peace.
Amen.
I began a new program today called, "The Road Back." The Road Back uses natural vitamins and herbs, along with journaling, to help those with high anxiety and depression and those stuck on anti-psychosis and nerve pills find their way to freedom. Aside from that program, prayer and Biblical meditation along with diet and exercise are extremely important. Not one part of the body works alone so the body must be treated as a whole. I took the body calm about a half an hour ago and noticed the pace of my heart beginning to slow. I did eat some chocolate ice cream today only to suffer from the side-effect of extreme anxiety and heart palpitations.
Otherwise, my life is going smoothly. At least my heart IS beating! I would be in trouble if the alternative were true!
God has given me clear instructions as to the running of HomeScholars. I thought for a while the program should come to a close. I am learning how important is to wait for a yes or a no in all situations. If we aren't hearing anything clearly from Him we must continue on the path He has called us. Of course if you are on a path not coinciding with the will of our Saviour then that road must come to an abrupt halt.
I'm thankful for my crazy, beautiful children and my amazingly patient and loving husband. I have some of the best friends I could ever imagine. I mean I have true, unconditional friendships that only Jesus himself could provide. I am amazed at that because I can be so moody, grouchy, selfish and rude! I love these ladies and wish all people could have the bond each of us share.
I look out and see the sky is peach with grayish blue clouds floating along. I find as I am writing I am becoming peaceful and the "stuff" going on around me isn't so overwhelming. The dog is STILL trying to get on my lap and I suddenly don't feel like catapulting him across the room!
My dear friend, who is staying with us, is yet again fixing supper. I pray for her as she strives to get her life and the lives of her children on the road to success. I pray they seek God first.
You see, my life is hard dealing with the anxiety issues. I've left my past behind, finally, and my present is at peace. Looking only at our own lives sometimes can be a stumbling block. Looking at the lives of those who diseases are out of control, loved ones have past, or their marriage falls apart allows me to be thankful for the blessings in this world of my own.
He is truth and truth is love. Trust in the truth and in the truth we find love. Peace abides in truth, He is the truth. Give in to truth and we shall have peace.
Amen.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Oh Anxiety, why won't you leave me?? I don't want your drugs!
My entire life I have dealt with anxiety. I was constantly put in situations that scared me to half to death. I was always able to manage and self-sooth until my trip to Africa. It was this trip that I became the victim of the dreaded drug, Lariam. Lariam was given to me to ward off malaria while I was in the Ivory Coast. When I returned to the states, I was never the same. I lived in what felt like a dark tunnel. It was horrible. My dorm mom would stay up through the night with me praying for me to be freed from whatever was oppressing me. I fasted, I prayed, I fasted, I prayed but nothing would remove me from this prison. Finally, years after the trip, I was watching one of the news channels and they were talking about Lariam and what it has done to people. Soldiers were committing suicide, others had become murderers and people like me, were drowning in depression and anxiety. One mom testified of her experience and I finally knew what was wrong with me! I went to my family doctor for another reason and she detected right away that I had problems. She had me take a written test. She returned with a grade stating I had one of the worst cases of anxiety and depression that she had seen in a long time. She agreed that it was the Lariam. At that time I didn't believe in medication but I was so desperate that I agreed. I started taking Celexa that day and after two weeks I felt like the world had been lifted from my shoulders. It was that feeling that a near-sighted person feels when they first get glasses! I could see the leaves on the trees, the sun was brighter and I could breath! It felt so good to be alive again! But as time went on anxiety would creep up occasionally but never to level it had reached before medication. I stuck with Celexa for years going off and back on but managed to control my anxiety levels. Years later I gave birth to Ryan. I never took meds during my pregnancies and felt pretty good, mentally that is! When Ryan came along, I went into terrible post-partum depression and the anxiety returned. I only slept a few hours here and there to the point I could not sleep at all. I literally had insomnia for almost a year straight. It was horrible! I didn't want to take anything because I was nursing but I finally gave in and allowed my doctor to give me a small dosage of zoloft which helped a little. I still couldn't sleep. When Ryan was weened, I started seeing a counsellor thinking that was the answer. She helped me deal with the pain of my past as I talked through issues that weighed me down and my goodness did the counselling help! I was and still am so happy I took that route! The problem was that I was told I needed medication to help with the anxiety especially during the times of therapy and emotional healing. Desperate to get help I found a psychiatrist and started down a road to what I thought was healing. I was prescribed Celexa again but it wasn't right this time. Then Prozac that just about destroyed my marriage. Then finally I was put on Effexor XR along with Ambien and Klonopin for sleep. I started sleeping, those meds I don't regret. Every time I would return to the Dr. my Effexor prescription dosage got higher until I was on 300mgs. I felt soooo much better! So much better in fact that I didn't care about the 50lbs I gained in just a few short months! I really did feel good. It was so nice to feel that way!
After a year or so on the Effexor XR I felt God calling me to remove the chemicals from my body. I felt so good that I just knew I could do it, a piece of cake! Ha! Was I in for a surprise! I got sick, I mean really really sick! So I decided to stay on and go down slowly. After Christmas I began to lesson the dosage weekly. I really did OK supplementing with herbs. I made it to 75mgs with no major side effects all with the help of prayer and herbs. The last 75mgs were a different story. I stopped all meds after the last week of taking 75mgs of Effexor. My head began to spin like I had just gotten off one of the spinning rides at the fair. My body went into severe pain and shaking. I could barely walk and had diahreah. I ended up in the ER only to find that there is nothing wrong with me.
I returned home and realized that it just might be withdrawals! I took 75mgs of Effexor that night and the next day felt better. I couldn't believe what was happening to me! I was addicted to a drug! That was NEVER supposed to happen to me because my mother died from using drugs. I have been on the 75mgs now for awhile and am so afraid to finish completely. I must remove this drug from my body at all costs. However, even at 75mgs I'm feeling the anxiety again. I live in fight or flight mode. I'm taking all kinds of herbal medication and it helps. The next step before stopping completely is to change my diet and begin weight and cardio training. I have to cut out ALL processed food, red meat, and caffeine from my diet. This is a hard one from someone who had turned to food her whole life for comfort. We are going tonight to renew our gym membership. It will be nice to swim with the kids again, play ball on the basketball courts, walk the track, and put the kids in the playroom for my workout/me time.
I truly fear this next step of removing the meds because, even now, I'm irritable, unstable, and miserable.
I pray God gives me the wisdom to find the right tools needed to win this battle.
I know God has allowed another crazy circumstance in my life so that I'll have yet another thing to relate to others. I never understood the power of withdrawals to cause one to return to drugs. With my slight glimpse into drug addiction (not including living with an addict) I can somewhat understand why others return to their addictions when they truly want free.
To all those with chemical addictions, you have my heart.
God please free those who truly desire the right path.
Amen...
After a year or so on the Effexor XR I felt God calling me to remove the chemicals from my body. I felt so good that I just knew I could do it, a piece of cake! Ha! Was I in for a surprise! I got sick, I mean really really sick! So I decided to stay on and go down slowly. After Christmas I began to lesson the dosage weekly. I really did OK supplementing with herbs. I made it to 75mgs with no major side effects all with the help of prayer and herbs. The last 75mgs were a different story. I stopped all meds after the last week of taking 75mgs of Effexor. My head began to spin like I had just gotten off one of the spinning rides at the fair. My body went into severe pain and shaking. I could barely walk and had diahreah. I ended up in the ER only to find that there is nothing wrong with me.
I returned home and realized that it just might be withdrawals! I took 75mgs of Effexor that night and the next day felt better. I couldn't believe what was happening to me! I was addicted to a drug! That was NEVER supposed to happen to me because my mother died from using drugs. I have been on the 75mgs now for awhile and am so afraid to finish completely. I must remove this drug from my body at all costs. However, even at 75mgs I'm feeling the anxiety again. I live in fight or flight mode. I'm taking all kinds of herbal medication and it helps. The next step before stopping completely is to change my diet and begin weight and cardio training. I have to cut out ALL processed food, red meat, and caffeine from my diet. This is a hard one from someone who had turned to food her whole life for comfort. We are going tonight to renew our gym membership. It will be nice to swim with the kids again, play ball on the basketball courts, walk the track, and put the kids in the playroom for my workout/me time.
I truly fear this next step of removing the meds because, even now, I'm irritable, unstable, and miserable.
I pray God gives me the wisdom to find the right tools needed to win this battle.
I know God has allowed another crazy circumstance in my life so that I'll have yet another thing to relate to others. I never understood the power of withdrawals to cause one to return to drugs. With my slight glimpse into drug addiction (not including living with an addict) I can somewhat understand why others return to their addictions when they truly want free.
To all those with chemical addictions, you have my heart.
God please free those who truly desire the right path.
Amen...
Thursday, February 10, 2011
GASSSS!
UGH! My tummy is so bloated. What is wrong with me? I haven't been to the bathroom in so long. Bought some herbal stuff today with hopes of some relief. I tried drinking Pepsi, that usually does the trick. Not today, it just made it worse. I ate some gluten stuff, too... what was I thinking?
Spent a lot of time working some kinks out of Homescholars. I had to make some huge decisions that were not at all easy to say the least. The business has been a mess since we started back to class in January. It has gotten so far out of hand that we almost closed. Thanks to my trusted assistant and God's leading we managed to peice some things back together. Next semester will be a whole new can of peas! I know one thing, deciding to handle things without spending time with our Saviour can be a disaster waiting to happen!
I feel so much more at peace and God has revealed so many things to me. The main things I have learned are:
1. God first! Talk to Him in quiet and let Him lead!
2. Keep the husband and kids before work, if we don't care for own then what good is life?
3. Learn to share responsibilities...no one can do it all alone.
I'm on my way to making my life story public. That will happen soon but I'm afraid. My life story involves other people and I don't want to hurt anyone. BUT, I have a story and I think it needs to be told.
When should I begin? I get a little nervous thinking about what would really happen if I made my story availabe for the world to see. Most people only know bits and peices of my life but no one knows the whole deal. It's so insane that I wouldn't know where to start!
Maybe know one really even cares to know my life, my history, my joy, my pain. Maybe it's not such a crazy story but to me it is. So there I have it! From now on, I write to me. I am my audience. I have no one to enlighten but me! I will tell myself my own story and maybe I will learn something from myself. Hmm...not such a bad idea!
So, Traci, when would you like to read the autobiography of Traci? Are you ready to reveal things about you?
I think I will sleep on that and decide when to post and how far back I want to tread to dig up the dirt that has sent me on this vortex of life as I currently know it!
Spent a lot of time working some kinks out of Homescholars. I had to make some huge decisions that were not at all easy to say the least. The business has been a mess since we started back to class in January. It has gotten so far out of hand that we almost closed. Thanks to my trusted assistant and God's leading we managed to peice some things back together. Next semester will be a whole new can of peas! I know one thing, deciding to handle things without spending time with our Saviour can be a disaster waiting to happen!
I feel so much more at peace and God has revealed so many things to me. The main things I have learned are:
1. God first! Talk to Him in quiet and let Him lead!
2. Keep the husband and kids before work, if we don't care for own then what good is life?
3. Learn to share responsibilities...no one can do it all alone.
I'm on my way to making my life story public. That will happen soon but I'm afraid. My life story involves other people and I don't want to hurt anyone. BUT, I have a story and I think it needs to be told.
When should I begin? I get a little nervous thinking about what would really happen if I made my story availabe for the world to see. Most people only know bits and peices of my life but no one knows the whole deal. It's so insane that I wouldn't know where to start!
Maybe know one really even cares to know my life, my history, my joy, my pain. Maybe it's not such a crazy story but to me it is. So there I have it! From now on, I write to me. I am my audience. I have no one to enlighten but me! I will tell myself my own story and maybe I will learn something from myself. Hmm...not such a bad idea!
So, Traci, when would you like to read the autobiography of Traci? Are you ready to reveal things about you?
I think I will sleep on that and decide when to post and how far back I want to tread to dig up the dirt that has sent me on this vortex of life as I currently know it!
Dr.s and Doctor Phil
I am sitting here with my daughter basically on my lap while she completes her school. I am amazed how easily she catches on with my meager instruction. 10:13am and she is totally finished with school. How is it that the girl that despised school is now a homeschool mom? Maybe because I don't want my children to experience what I perceived as torcher. Of course I don't spend the time with Ryan that I should but he is only 3 and goes to HomeScholars on Tuesdays. He is more interested in building and playing cars.
I just realized that I checked email, schooled Leah, ate breakfast, watched part of Dr. Phil and The Doctor's all at one time! Does anyone else do stuff like that?
I'm on my way to a friends house and have to figure out what to fix for lunch to take with us. Gluten free bread just isn't the same for sandwiches. What I really want to do is stop and get a pizza and forget about it! On my way I have to stop and fight with the meanest postal lady in Johnston county to get her to accept prepaid packages from a different zip. She swears she can't allow it but the truth is, she CAN! So, I have to fight with her every time and of course, I always win! I mean, she is on the way and to go to the post office with my zip will be 20 minutes out of my way. Oh well, we will see how that turns out!
I'm overwhelmed with all the suggestions the Dr.s are giving on how to look younger! Should I start with a laser lip treatment, club soda for my hair, exfoliate with canned pumpkin, or get a better bra? I don't know, maybe I'll start with brushing my teeth and hair and putting on deodorant. That's about as far as I can get!
I just realized that I checked email, schooled Leah, ate breakfast, watched part of Dr. Phil and The Doctor's all at one time! Does anyone else do stuff like that?
I'm on my way to a friends house and have to figure out what to fix for lunch to take with us. Gluten free bread just isn't the same for sandwiches. What I really want to do is stop and get a pizza and forget about it! On my way I have to stop and fight with the meanest postal lady in Johnston county to get her to accept prepaid packages from a different zip. She swears she can't allow it but the truth is, she CAN! So, I have to fight with her every time and of course, I always win! I mean, she is on the way and to go to the post office with my zip will be 20 minutes out of my way. Oh well, we will see how that turns out!
I'm overwhelmed with all the suggestions the Dr.s are giving on how to look younger! Should I start with a laser lip treatment, club soda for my hair, exfoliate with canned pumpkin, or get a better bra? I don't know, maybe I'll start with brushing my teeth and hair and putting on deodorant. That's about as far as I can get!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
In bed with my with my idols
I've finally managed to plop my big rear into my bed and with absolutely no fight! I'm under the covers but I'm still cold. Chad watching the greatest idol in our home, the television. Americans worship the television way more than than God Almighty, including our family. And I have come to bed with my best friend, the handy dandy laptop. Yes, the laptop is here for me through thick and thin, through good times and bad, and doesn't judge me or leave me. I go to bed to rest, refresh, get ready for the next day. Instead, I bring the world to bed with me. I bring my mail, my facebook friends, my thoughts, my research and anything else you can do online to bed with me. You would think I would put it away for the night but noooo, I do what I should not and I don't do what I should! Paul understood this twisted concept, I wonder if He ever got it under control.
I ate a great supper, thanks to Vilma! I was not hungry but felt the need for a snack. There was ice cream in the fridge but that was just too cold to my already fridgid body. I opted instead for the last tiny bit of gluten free cereal and milk. It was still cold but not icy cold like the cream. The point is that I really didn't need a snack physically. I just wanted to eat. Why do I want to eat when I'm not physically hungry? We all know how we sooth ourselves with food and how we should turn to God instead of food. I have a hard time with this, I'm simply not on that spiritual level. I hope to be someday but thank God, he designed me and He knows me and only HE can change me.
Yes, my life is full of suttle idolitry and I'm embarrassed of that but it is a fact. I long to overcome but my finite mind has a long way to go.
It's 10:05pm and I have yet to brush my teeth and take out my eyes (contacts). I just want to lay here and type my thoughts. I thought blogging would be a chore but it's quite addictive. Feels good to free my thoughts!
I ate a great supper, thanks to Vilma! I was not hungry but felt the need for a snack. There was ice cream in the fridge but that was just too cold to my already fridgid body. I opted instead for the last tiny bit of gluten free cereal and milk. It was still cold but not icy cold like the cream. The point is that I really didn't need a snack physically. I just wanted to eat. Why do I want to eat when I'm not physically hungry? We all know how we sooth ourselves with food and how we should turn to God instead of food. I have a hard time with this, I'm simply not on that spiritual level. I hope to be someday but thank God, he designed me and He knows me and only HE can change me.
Yes, my life is full of suttle idolitry and I'm embarrassed of that but it is a fact. I long to overcome but my finite mind has a long way to go.
It's 10:05pm and I have yet to brush my teeth and take out my eyes (contacts). I just want to lay here and type my thoughts. I thought blogging would be a chore but it's quite addictive. Feels good to free my thoughts!
Not without a fight!
Why is it sooo hard to get the kids to cooperate for bedtime? I'm dying to get under the warm, cuddly covers while the kids whine, cry, fight and drag their feet. I mean for crying out loud (literally), just get your stinkin PJ's on, brush your cruddy teeth and GO TO BED!
Why am I blogging?
Why in the world have I started blogging with all I have going on? I mean really! I have a business with several employees, I homeschool my 9 year old daughter, I attempt to homeschool my three year old son, I teach Sunday School to 4th graders, have a displaced Lithuanian housewife and her 2 children living upstairs, and everything else a mom and wife must do.
Well, first of all I AM crazy! Everyone sees that some days I'm looking pretty together and other days I'm a complete mess! I've gone to counseling to try and get help for my insanity and, besides suggesting I get amped up on drugs, she suggested writing or journaling. I HATE writing! It makes my hand and wrist throb with pain. OK, lame excuse but really! It hurts so bad to write for more than just a minute, it always has. Soooo, after watching Julie and Julia on Netflix the other night I decided to put my inconsistent thoughts somewhere I tend to spend a lot of time anyway, on the web. Am I nuts to expose my thoughts to anyone choosing to view? Yes, of course I'm nuts...that's who I am! At least someone out there might relate to my ramblings and feel just a little better about themselves in the long run. Whatever happens and if anyone reads, at least I can take my maddening thoughts, concerns, and experiences and put them down if only for my own benefit. Who knows, I might be able to clear my cranium for once in my life! Let's see what happens...
Well, first of all I AM crazy! Everyone sees that some days I'm looking pretty together and other days I'm a complete mess! I've gone to counseling to try and get help for my insanity and, besides suggesting I get amped up on drugs, she suggested writing or journaling. I HATE writing! It makes my hand and wrist throb with pain. OK, lame excuse but really! It hurts so bad to write for more than just a minute, it always has. Soooo, after watching Julie and Julia on Netflix the other night I decided to put my inconsistent thoughts somewhere I tend to spend a lot of time anyway, on the web. Am I nuts to expose my thoughts to anyone choosing to view? Yes, of course I'm nuts...that's who I am! At least someone out there might relate to my ramblings and feel just a little better about themselves in the long run. Whatever happens and if anyone reads, at least I can take my maddening thoughts, concerns, and experiences and put them down if only for my own benefit. Who knows, I might be able to clear my cranium for once in my life! Let's see what happens...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)