Vunerability, I suck at that. But I'm learning.

I've figured out why today sucked SO bad.  I didn't sleep last night and you know how that can through off everything you thought to be true.  Then a friend confronted on a matter that I thought to be completely harmless but caused her discomfort which in turn hurt my heart to know that I hurt hers.  That didn't help.  I've sold my house.  I'm grieving over my children's home and I don't have another ready so it's off to the in-laws until we find a solution to our homelessness.  I've cried all damned day.  ALL DAMNED DAY!  I hate crying and I hate sadness so I work really damn hard to avoid it.  But that's not why today sucked so much.  Today sucked because I had a lesson that's been presenting itself to me for awhile.  And here it is.  Vulnerability.  I suck at being vulnerable.

But it lead me to something wonderful.  You.  People.  Friendships.  Equality.
I told the world via Facebook that I'm struggling and I need encouragement.  Since I hate being vulnerable very few people know when I'm struggling and therefore do not know to help me walk through my stuff.  So today I decided to tell whole world that I CAN'T DO THIS!  And it's true.  I can't walk this life alone.  I simply can't.  I need you and you and you and you.  I need all of you to tell me that I CAN do this life!  I need you to tell me that you think I'm amazing.  I need you tell me all there is that's good about me cause right now all I can see is my shit.  I'm guessing that at some point you need me, too.  Why do we work so hard to make the world believe that we are super women?  Good God, why?  Why do we need to impress others and in turn isolate ourselves?  I've done it for years and nothing good comes from it EVER!

You and I are equals in this journey.  We might be on different  paths but we have so much to offer one another.  We are teachers to each other.  If we let down our walls we can see that community is all around us.  But it takes vulnerability.  Be willing to be real and raw.  No one can know your pain if you are working so hard to be strong.  So soul sister, cry when you are sad, go punch something (not someone) when you are angry, confront someone when boundaries have been crossed and receive love.  Receive hugs.  I suck at all that but I'm learning and growing because of you.  You have taught and modeled love and vulnerability in front of me.

Thank you!
I love YOU!

Waking Up

A lot of healing has taken place over the past couple of years.  I was physically a mess.  At the end of my despair I found beacon of light, a special person I can now call my friend, was then only someone who was my last effort of hope.  She started me on my physical healing process but I didn't know back then that she was looking at my soul... wanting to help me to where I am now and beyond.  But at that time she could only offer me a food plan and supplements for it was all I was willing to receive.  Slowly I'm waking up to self.  The trueness of me.  My inner rest.  Connection to Source.  Coming this far was a true battle and I'm certain that the old, the dark isn't going to totally give up with one last fight at least.  I came this far kicking and screaming but soul, my true me, was done.  My soul craved truth and truth is happening.  By far not there...so far to go... yet on my way.  My soul sat quietly waiting, waiting for me to come home.  But coming home meant tearing down the curtains, the costumes.  Cutting through the briers of old thoughts and perceptions.  Negating and neutralizing the lies.  Breaking the chains of fear.  I see the process much more clearly now.  Now I can see me moving towards center at lightning speed.  No turning back, no holding back, no looking back.  I am free... it's time to leap.  The caterpillar has metamorphosed... the cocoon has broke open.  I see the light of the sun...time to spread my wings.  Time to fly.

Detoxing Self

I started another Re-Nuz colon detox again yesterday.  They generally last about five days and could rid the body of a massive amount of toxicity.  I actually usually enjoy doing this detox because it makes me feel really, really good.  But, after doing some serious soul searching lately, I realized that I had a lot of "crap" to get rid of.  The "crap" here is a metaphor for the baggage of the past.  Hurts, pain, anger and skewed perceptions.  It's time to let go.  Unlike the many other times of doing the detox, I did not feel so good.  Since the colon holds the emotions of the childhood I should have been prepared for the ill feelings.  The second day I felt nauseated.  Nausea comes from the stomach area, right?  I've come to learn that the stomach holds the emotion of disgust.   Remembering this from my wellness classes I decided to go home and write about whatever is coming up.  The detox goes through the colon and pulls out buried toxins in the pockets we create when we bury painful childhood memories.  Releasing of physical toxins pulls up emotional toxins.  If you have colon problems you can relate.  Acknowledging my nausea and paying attention to the feeling of disgust I was experiencing helped me to deal with it a little easier.  As the day went on I started to feel irritable, really irritable.  These emotions from the toxic pockets of my colon were being pulled up and I either had to deal with them or shove them back into the darkness only to be revealed again the next time I did a detox or bury them enough until they ultimately turned into "dis-ease."  I came home from work, got everyone settled and went straight to my bedroom with pen and paper and wrote and wrote and wrote.  I came to understand in this writing that I am (despite the massive work and healing) still at battle with my own self.  I have been angry and disgusted with myself for turning on myself.  There was so much anger, pain, loss and negativity being thrown at me as a child that I had at some point jumped on the bandwagon.  I wrote to me.  I told me everything I needed to say.  I let it all go onto that paper.  I told me that it's time to team up with me.  I no longer get to be mean to me.  And then I took the paper, burned it up and prayed for the pain to be released and transmuted into love.  Another weight lifted.  More of me set free.  More love to share.  More room for God to fill with love.

This colon detox does much more than clean the colon, it also makes unresolved childhood emotions easily accessible to confront and release so that a full body healing can occur.  It's not easy, it's not fun but when finished, living inside our bodies actually becomes a pleasant place to be.  Those around us appreciate it, too ;).

I thought about the tropics today and how I hate the cold,
I thought about the sun and waves instead of the winds so bold,
I thought about leaving here and migrating onward south,
I thought about how much better it would be and the words exited my mouth.
Then...
I thought about the homeless mom and her hungry little kid,
I thought about how she must hate the cold more than I ever did.
I thought about my comfy home and then her home of naught,
I thought about had sad it was to have such a thankless thought.

The Doc said the mole concerns him...

My 10 year old has had a mole on her right cheek for several years now.  It has steadily grown and gotten darker and her dentist insisted that I have checked out.  We finally took her and the doc removed it and had it biopsied.  They called us with the results and said we have to go back in next week.  The mole has cells that could lead to cancer.  I'm sick to my stomach about it although it might be nothing.  No one EVER wants to even consider that hateful old word especially when it comes to their children.  My fears often paralyze me though the Bible says to have faith in all things.  I'm not going to pretend that I'm not scared because I AM!  God is always faithful yet I am always still human.  Many face horrible situations every day and I can't imagine their pain.  For now, I'm going to pray and research and try to make through a week of wondering. 

Church, The Great Misnomer

Reading through Matthew 23 and applying it today, I have been able to relate on a different level to those words of Jesus.  The question I receive most when encountering other Christians for the first time is, "Where do you go to church?"  I have to reply with a sort of rhetorical question, "What do you mean?"
Of course I know exactly what they mean!  They want to know what religious institution I attend so that they might be able to understand my Christian point of view.  But I have come to understand the word "church" as a misnomer when it comes to Christianity.  Asking me what church I go to is like asking me what family I go to.  That doesn't make sense.  Knowing now that the Christian church is a living organism and not a building created by the hands of men leads to me to ask that question.  You wouldn't ask me what family I attend would you?  Of course not!  You might ask me when do I get to visit with family and I would reply with, "As often as possible."  The same applies to church.  The appropriate question might be, "When or where do you meet with the church or the family of believers?"  I would reply with something like this, "Whenever and wherever possible!" 
My husband and I had the privilege of attend the "Riverdance Farewell Tour" recently.  While sitting in the huge crowd I had to relate it to the term "church" as it is used today.  I'm quite certain there were probably many believers in the building whom were doing the same as we were.  Sitting in our purchased seats, casually chatting with those around us, and waiting for the big show.  There was no depth to our "fellowship" nor did we care to ever see one another again.  We got what we paid for and left.  Very much like the so-called church of today!  The actual church Jesus spoke of was a family! 
Most institutional Christians have the following verse drilled into their heads: "And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near."  Hebrews 10:25.  What does this mean?  I see nothing about a building, a pastor, a priest, a choir, an offering plate or anything that resembles the assembling today.  Can you imagine how many Christians there actually were at the time of this writing?  Christians were often persecuted at the time and still quite sparse.  I can imagine that it was extremely important to meet together to encourage one another and to be with others of the same heart and mind.  I'm sure they sought every opportunity to meet up, hang out, eat, find comfort, discuss and love each other, just as family does today.  I believe it was personal and joyful.  Sometimes it was like a family reunion and other times more like a Saturday evening hangout. 
Church as we know it today is indeed a misnomer.  What is a misnomer?  Here is a Webster's definition:  a wrong or unsuitable name.  What could we appropriately call the religious institution known as Church today?  I don't really know but it doesn't appear to be from the One who created The Church in the beginning.  I'm overjoyed to be a member of His Church but not the one that is known today.

Being a teacher at a new school that has new ideals has proven to be a challenge that I hadn't expected.  I have been placed in a classroom full of students where the educational and maturity differences are vast.  Some days I feel like I should win the greatest teacher in the world prize while other days I feel as if I should just quit.  I really don't understand why God has called me to be a teacher.  Honestly I don't feel I have any special gifts or talents.  Whatever His reasoning I know that His plan is perfect.  I question my own teaching style, my own actions, and my own words constantly.  I see other teachers whom appear to be unconcerned with what the parents think of them, what the kids think of them and what other teachers think of them.  I am concerned with everything everyone thinks of me.  These parents are trusting me with their most prized possession and I don't want to let them down.  Each child has a tender, sensitive heart that I have the power to make or break.  I am very thoughtful (almost to the point of worry) about each child's educational needs.  Having such huge grade differences leaves me feeling that I just might be leaving gaps in those little knowledge banks we call brains.  I spend sleepless nights thinking and praying over my students or I wake startled by one of my concerns for a student.  One negative word from any parent hurts so deeply knowing the heart and brain effort put into each student.  Then I have days when a parent thanks me for saving their child's attitude towards school, when a child tells me I'm their favorite teacher, and when a project turns out just right and the kids learned so much.  The days that I see that a child has taken a character trait I've been talking about and applies it in an unexpected setting helps me to understand a little more about why I'm there.  It feels so nice when a parent leaves flowers for me for no reason or drops an email just to say, "Thank you!"
Despite all of the positives and victories my insecurities always get the best of me.  I suppose I need to lean more on God knowing that He is working out His perfect plan and less on the words of those who are clueless as to what is really happening in our own little learning world.  I also need to understand that I can't please all people at all times.  Some will choose to love me, my class, and my school while others will choose options more fitting for them.  I will give of myself what is available and appropriate.  The days of ignoring my home and family for the sake of providing the perfect education are over.  My children and my husband need my best and not my job leftovers.  God is creating a beautiful balancing act with my home and classroom but in the meantime I need to overcome my internal battles.  Just another lesson in this journey I like to call MY LIFE!