Being a teacher at a new school that has new ideals has proven to be a challenge that I hadn't expected.  I have been placed in a classroom full of students where the educational and maturity differences are vast.  Some days I feel like I should win the greatest teacher in the world prize while other days I feel as if I should just quit.  I really don't understand why God has called me to be a teacher.  Honestly I don't feel I have any special gifts or talents.  Whatever His reasoning I know that His plan is perfect.  I question my own teaching style, my own actions, and my own words constantly.  I see other teachers whom appear to be unconcerned with what the parents think of them, what the kids think of them and what other teachers think of them.  I am concerned with everything everyone thinks of me.  These parents are trusting me with their most prized possession and I don't want to let them down.  Each child has a tender, sensitive heart that I have the power to make or break.  I am very thoughtful (almost to the point of worry) about each child's educational needs.  Having such huge grade differences leaves me feeling that I just might be leaving gaps in those little knowledge banks we call brains.  I spend sleepless nights thinking and praying over my students or I wake startled by one of my concerns for a student.  One negative word from any parent hurts so deeply knowing the heart and brain effort put into each student.  Then I have days when a parent thanks me for saving their child's attitude towards school, when a child tells me I'm their favorite teacher, and when a project turns out just right and the kids learned so much.  The days that I see that a child has taken a character trait I've been talking about and applies it in an unexpected setting helps me to understand a little more about why I'm there.  It feels so nice when a parent leaves flowers for me for no reason or drops an email just to say, "Thank you!"
Despite all of the positives and victories my insecurities always get the best of me.  I suppose I need to lean more on God knowing that He is working out His perfect plan and less on the words of those who are clueless as to what is really happening in our own little learning world.  I also need to understand that I can't please all people at all times.  Some will choose to love me, my class, and my school while others will choose options more fitting for them.  I will give of myself what is available and appropriate.  The days of ignoring my home and family for the sake of providing the perfect education are over.  My children and my husband need my best and not my job leftovers.  God is creating a beautiful balancing act with my home and classroom but in the meantime I need to overcome my internal battles.  Just another lesson in this journey I like to call MY LIFE!