Vunerability, I suck at that. But I'm learning.

I've figured out why today sucked SO bad.  I didn't sleep last night and you know how that can through off everything you thought to be true.  Then a friend confronted on a matter that I thought to be completely harmless but caused her discomfort which in turn hurt my heart to know that I hurt hers.  That didn't help.  I've sold my house.  I'm grieving over my children's home and I don't have another ready so it's off to the in-laws until we find a solution to our homelessness.  I've cried all damned day.  ALL DAMNED DAY!  I hate crying and I hate sadness so I work really damn hard to avoid it.  But that's not why today sucked so much.  Today sucked because I had a lesson that's been presenting itself to me for awhile.  And here it is.  Vulnerability.  I suck at being vulnerable.

But it lead me to something wonderful.  You.  People.  Friendships.  Equality.
I told the world via Facebook that I'm struggling and I need encouragement.  Since I hate being vulnerable very few people know when I'm struggling and therefore do not know to help me walk through my stuff.  So today I decided to tell whole world that I CAN'T DO THIS!  And it's true.  I can't walk this life alone.  I simply can't.  I need you and you and you and you.  I need all of you to tell me that I CAN do this life!  I need you to tell me that you think I'm amazing.  I need you tell me all there is that's good about me cause right now all I can see is my shit.  I'm guessing that at some point you need me, too.  Why do we work so hard to make the world believe that we are super women?  Good God, why?  Why do we need to impress others and in turn isolate ourselves?  I've done it for years and nothing good comes from it EVER!

You and I are equals in this journey.  We might be on different  paths but we have so much to offer one another.  We are teachers to each other.  If we let down our walls we can see that community is all around us.  But it takes vulnerability.  Be willing to be real and raw.  No one can know your pain if you are working so hard to be strong.  So soul sister, cry when you are sad, go punch something (not someone) when you are angry, confront someone when boundaries have been crossed and receive love.  Receive hugs.  I suck at all that but I'm learning and growing because of you.  You have taught and modeled love and vulnerability in front of me.

Thank you!
I love YOU!

Waking Up

A lot of healing has taken place over the past couple of years.  I was physically a mess.  At the end of my despair I found beacon of light, a special person I can now call my friend, was then only someone who was my last effort of hope.  She started me on my physical healing process but I didn't know back then that she was looking at my soul... wanting to help me to where I am now and beyond.  But at that time she could only offer me a food plan and supplements for it was all I was willing to receive.  Slowly I'm waking up to self.  The trueness of me.  My inner rest.  Connection to Source.  Coming this far was a true battle and I'm certain that the old, the dark isn't going to totally give up with one last fight at least.  I came this far kicking and screaming but soul, my true me, was done.  My soul craved truth and truth is happening.  By far not there...so far to go... yet on my way.  My soul sat quietly waiting, waiting for me to come home.  But coming home meant tearing down the curtains, the costumes.  Cutting through the briers of old thoughts and perceptions.  Negating and neutralizing the lies.  Breaking the chains of fear.  I see the process much more clearly now.  Now I can see me moving towards center at lightning speed.  No turning back, no holding back, no looking back.  I am free... it's time to leap.  The caterpillar has metamorphosed... the cocoon has broke open.  I see the light of the sun...time to spread my wings.  Time to fly.

Detoxing Self

I started another Re-Nuz colon detox again yesterday.  They generally last about five days and could rid the body of a massive amount of toxicity.  I actually usually enjoy doing this detox because it makes me feel really, really good.  But, after doing some serious soul searching lately, I realized that I had a lot of "crap" to get rid of.  The "crap" here is a metaphor for the baggage of the past.  Hurts, pain, anger and skewed perceptions.  It's time to let go.  Unlike the many other times of doing the detox, I did not feel so good.  Since the colon holds the emotions of the childhood I should have been prepared for the ill feelings.  The second day I felt nauseated.  Nausea comes from the stomach area, right?  I've come to learn that the stomach holds the emotion of disgust.   Remembering this from my wellness classes I decided to go home and write about whatever is coming up.  The detox goes through the colon and pulls out buried toxins in the pockets we create when we bury painful childhood memories.  Releasing of physical toxins pulls up emotional toxins.  If you have colon problems you can relate.  Acknowledging my nausea and paying attention to the feeling of disgust I was experiencing helped me to deal with it a little easier.  As the day went on I started to feel irritable, really irritable.  These emotions from the toxic pockets of my colon were being pulled up and I either had to deal with them or shove them back into the darkness only to be revealed again the next time I did a detox or bury them enough until they ultimately turned into "dis-ease."  I came home from work, got everyone settled and went straight to my bedroom with pen and paper and wrote and wrote and wrote.  I came to understand in this writing that I am (despite the massive work and healing) still at battle with my own self.  I have been angry and disgusted with myself for turning on myself.  There was so much anger, pain, loss and negativity being thrown at me as a child that I had at some point jumped on the bandwagon.  I wrote to me.  I told me everything I needed to say.  I let it all go onto that paper.  I told me that it's time to team up with me.  I no longer get to be mean to me.  And then I took the paper, burned it up and prayed for the pain to be released and transmuted into love.  Another weight lifted.  More of me set free.  More love to share.  More room for God to fill with love.

This colon detox does much more than clean the colon, it also makes unresolved childhood emotions easily accessible to confront and release so that a full body healing can occur.  It's not easy, it's not fun but when finished, living inside our bodies actually becomes a pleasant place to be.  Those around us appreciate it, too ;).